


Timeless Moments

by Katyaton



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety trigger warning, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, JJ and Yuuri both need hugs, JJ/Yuuri bonding, M/M, post ep 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 20:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9088390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katyaton/pseuds/Katyaton
Summary: After the first day of the Barcelona Grand Prix, Yuuri's anxiety is in full force. Between his lackluster performance, Viktor's apparent desire to return to the ice, and the hopes of an entire nation riding on his shoulders, Yuuri just needs a place to decompress.Meeting JJ, though, was not part of the plan. But perhaps this chance encounter is just what Yuuri needs to overcome his insecurities.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 11 opened my eyes to JJ. I have to admit, I was one of many who disregarded him and secretly hoped that he didn't do well in the Grand Prix. Lo and behold, though, the show (as I should have known) was able to wipe away a good chunk of my reservations with his character, and as a result, this happened.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this bit of introspection into the anxiety that plagues both JJ and Yuuri.

Yuuri rested his head against the wall as he tried his best to decompress from the day’s events.

Deep breathe in, slow breathe out, just like his therapist taught him.

He couldn’t afford to break down now, not when he had to face the reporters in a few short minutes.

The first day of the Grand Prix could have, to put it mildly, gone better. Disappointment curled like lead in his stomach. This was supposed to be the finale performance of Eros – a climatic celebration expressing the pinnacle of his love and desire for Viktor. Bitter resentment crested like a wave through him, for it wasn’t love and desire that shinned through, oh no, the destructive force of Yuuri’s anxiety was the true star tonight.

Yuuri closed his eyes in frustration, tilting his head towards the ceiling desperately. He was so tired of his anxiety controlling him. It barged in at the most inopportune moments, bulldozing and reckless. It paralyzed him in its ruthlessness, left him short of breath, and stole his very free will. Yuuri shuddered as a few errant tears leaked out of the corner of his eyes. The next deep breath was choppy and loud as his hands clenched into fists, seeking a solace that couldn’t be found. He was at the point where, tangled in the cacophony of disorder wreaking havoc in his head, little could reach him. Even Viktor would struggle to get him out of this fog, for anxiety was mysterious and elusive to those who had never experienced it firsthand.

 _Viktor_.

Oh God, Viktor.

Yuuri loved Viktor with all his heart, but sometimes the man could be a bit air-headed when it came to Yuuri’s moments of self-doubt. Yuuri couldn’t help but notice the disparity between Viktor’s reaction to his performance and his reactions to the other skaters. Viktor was level headed and didn’t berate Yuuri about his performance, but there in lied the problem. Viktor’s assessment of his performance appeared to be a lack of assessment, which was even worse than berating because it left Yuuri’s self-doubt to fill in the blanks left unsaid.

After watching Viktor react to the other performances, eyes sparkling while practically vibrating in his seat, Yuuri couldn’t help but feel like a monster. It was so plainly obvious that Viktor missed being on the ice. Here in the stands as a simple observer, Viktor resembled a fish out of water, unjustly taken from his true element.

Mind made up, Yuuri knew that he would need to have a talk with Viktor to address this. There really was only one logical solution to the problem, and if Yuuri had to sacrifice his career, he would damn well do it so that he didn’t stifle Viktor’s spirit.

Yuuri opened his eyes as he contemplated the patterns of stucco coating the ceiling. Dip ridges and valleys created swirling patterns in the stucco, dancing across the ceiling in a hypnotic array. The frazzled weight of dread receded to the back of his mind, slightly abated now that he had come to a solution. The tears mercifully stopped flowing, leaving only their remnant dried trails in their wake.

Yuuri took a deep breath. Gathering his courage, (little that he had left, his mind insidiously reminded him) he unstuck himself from the wall and made his way down the hall. After all the performances concluded, Viktor was whisked away by the press, each reporter desperate for his input on the day.

Even when he wasn’t skating, Viktor was still the star of the show, Yuuri thought ruefully. But that was fine with him, because it gave Yuuri the chance to escape the reporters and find a quiet, empty hallway to break down in. Yuuri had considered the bathroom, but after last year with Yurio, he didn’t want to take his chances.

Presently, Yuuri tried to steel himself for the onslaught of the press, but as he approached a hallway bisecting his own, he paused when he heard a muffled choke. Shaking breaths, so similar to his own just moments ago, were being released from a person’s chest in between pained sobs. Yuuri slowly inched forward as he pressed against the wall. Yuuri knew from experience that the last thing he ever wanted was people pitying him in his moments of weakness. As much as people wanted to help him when he was lost in his anxiety, sometimes it just made it worse, especially when they had never experienced the struggle of anxiety themselves.

Yuuri peaked around the corner and let out an involuntary gasp. JJ, normally confidant and tall, appeared rather small and fragile as he folded in on himself, sobbing into his hands. He was sitting on the ground in a fetal position, resting his head on his knees.

At the sound of Yuuri’s gasp, JJ flinched and abruptly stopped crying. With apparent trepidation, he slowly lifted his head and met Yuuri’s eyes, letting out a gasp of his own. For a moment, JJ and Yuuri simply stared at each other. The only sound that could be heard was the muffled crowd gathered in the nearby lobby and the insistent sound of the ticking clock mounted on the wall.

_Tick. Tick. Tick._

Yuuri felt that he was trapped in one of those timeless moments – moments when the world seems to breathe in but not breathe out again, moments that could last forever. The ticking clock disproved that though, for it did not care about moments such as these. It continued in its purpose, unaware of the tension below.

The contrast between the boisterous and confidant JJ and this current version was almost laughable. JJ’s cheeks, usually flushed with the praise of the crowd, were puffed and splotchy, his eyes, once smug, only appeared sad and watery. 

JJ cleared his throat as he stared at the ground. “Here to gloat, Katsuki?” he muttered.

Yuuri let out a soft gasp. “No no no!” he said softly, holding his palms outward as if to placate JJ. “Of course not. I would never do that.”

The silence returned as Yuuri shifted uneasily.

JJ glanced up at him again. His eyes narrowed as he looked him up and down, lingering on his face and eyes.

He left out a soft huff as the tip of his lips curled downward. “No I suppose you wouldn’t, not looking like that at least.”

Yuuri’s breath hitched. It was never nice to be brought back to reality, and discovering JJ had momentarily relived him of his own worries. Fighting them down desperately, Yuuri tried to focus on the now - on JJ, who was here and in front of him and ever so present.

Stealing himself, Yuuri knew that this was a pivotal moment.

Deep breathe in, slow breathe out.

He could do this.

Yuuri walked over to JJ and slid down the wall opposite of him, stretching his legs out in front of him and placing his arms at his side.

JJ peered at him over the top of his crossed arms. He sniffled. “What-what are you doing?” he questioned thickly.

Yuuri smiled shakily. “I’m just taking a break.” He replied softly, fingers lightly drumming the floor. “Like you.”

JJ lifted his head now, looking at Yuuri head on.

The silence stretched on.

Yuuri opened his mouth a few times, breathing in, as aborted thoughts and sentiments crawled to the surface, ultimately failing to be spoken aloud due to his hesitancy. Yuuri had no idea how to help someone like JJ, all confidence and brashness, a complete foil to his own personality.

JJ huffed. “If you have something to say then say it. Have a little confidence for Christ’s sake.”

Yuuri’s fingers stopped their drumming against the floor as he scrutinized him. Yuuri clearly remembered the shock and uneasiness of JJ’s performance today. While Yuuri never got on too well with him and wouldn’t exactly call him a friend, he would still never wish to see anyone go through what JJ went through today. Yuuri was intimately aware of the countless hours that JJ devoted to skating, the physical ache that surely permeated his body during the height of the training season. To work so desperately towards a goal, and then for that outcome to be stolen not by lack of merit, but by the creeping tendrils of anxiety, was one of the worst feelings in the world.

Yes. Yuuri was intimately aware of this.

Yuuri let a small smile grace his face. “JJ… I just wanted to tell you that you put on a marvelous performance today.” Yuuri paused as JJ looked away, eyebrows scrunching. “No, it’s true!” Yuuri reassured quietly yet passionately.

“Ha! I don’t know what performance you watched but it must have not been the same one. That was a season’s low for me.” JJ scoffed, shaking his head dispassionately.

“I wasn’t talking about _that_ performance.” Yuuri interjected.

JJ abruptly stopped shaking his head, looking towards Yuuri for clarification.

“It was quite the performance too.” Yuuri continued, fingers drumming again. “I could see the battle going on in your eyes. I could see the pressure of the crowd stifling you.”

JJ gasped softly, but Yuuri plowed on, knowing that if he didn’t get this out in one go, then he never would.

“But above all, JJ, I could see the way you overcame that struggle. I could see the way that you took control of the situation near the end of your skate. You took your fears and you made them bow to you JJ.” Yuuri whispered. “It was probably your most inspirational performance, in my opinion”

Yuuri smiled sadly at JJ, noting his watering eyes and quivering lips. Yuuri felt for him, truly, because he knew firsthand the struggles of battling the wraithlike stranger that invaded his mind each and every time his anxiety reared its head. Yuuri took a deep breath.

“Anxiety is a terrible, terrible thing JJ, and no one should have had to go through what you did today.”

JJ let out a small sob, clutching his quivering mouth with his hands, although his eye contact with Yuuri remained.

“I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I found your strength amazing, JJ.” Yuuri felt determined now. He really wanted to get this across to him.

“I kept thinking to myself that no one had the right to mock the challenge you had taken on, because no one has experienced the moments that brought you to this point.” Yuuri said with all the sincerity he could muster.

JJ was wide eyed now. He looked much younger and innocent than his nineteen years.

“…not your fans, not your fiancé, not your parents.” Yuuri continued, ticking off each point with separate fingers on his hand. “No one is out there with you on the ice. It’s you and you alone.”

“H-how… how are you describing this so well?” JJ stuttered, scrubbing furiously at the tears trailing down his cheeks.

Yuuri let out a soft huff. “I can describe it so well because I go through the same battle each and every day, JJ. You’re not the only one with anxiety” Yuuri replied, struggling to keep eye contact now as he clenched at the bunching fabric on his warm up pants.

JJ gasped softly as he considered Yuuri’s confession. “Wow” he whispered as his eyebrows scrunched together.

JJ seemed at a loss for words for a few moments, then shuddered. “It’s a suffocating feeling sometimes,” he remarked, “supporting the wishes of an entire nation.”

JJ twiddled his fingers. “But it’s not even the random fans that pressure me the most… It’s trying to live up to the wishes of my parents and my fiancé that _really_ get to me.” JJ narrowed his eyes. “They believe in me _so_ much…I can’t let them down.” He said, eyes glinting in the soft lighting.

A sudden shriek pierced the quiet, and both men jumped. A girl raced passed the bisecting hall, giggling as two other girls chased her. They thundered down the hall as the echoes of their laughter trailed off in the distance.

JJ and Yuuri glanced at each other.

The clock ticked.

Yuuri felt a sudden and intense desire to laugh, for this entire situation was absurd. If someone had told him last year that he would be having a heart-to-heart about his anxiety with _Jean-Jacques Leroy_ , he would have laughed them off.

But that was a year ago, before he had met Viktor and gained so much of his strength back. Before he truly knew what it meant to pick yourself back up and start anew.

Yuuri let out a soft chuckle which soon dissolved into outright laughter. JJ startled for a second, eyes racing as he watched Yuuri tumble to the side in his mirth. The startled look on his face only spurred Yuuri on more, and this time he had not tears of pain, but mirth trailing down his cheeks, covering the earlier tear trails.

Slowly, a bemused smile started inching across JJ’s face too.

Whether he found the situation funny for the same reason Yuuri did or some other reason entirely, Yuuri didn’t know, but it wasn’t long before a loud and staccato “Ha!” pierced the air.  JJ too clutched his stomach as his laughter, loud and bright, mingled with Yuuri’s.

A timeless moment occurred again, for Yuuri could count on one hand the number of times he had cried so hard he laughed, and to be sharing this moment with JJ of all people, was simultaneously baffling and amazing.

The chuckles slowed down and tapered off as time restarted again. Yuuri sat up and wiped his eyes, letting out a few laughs as the amusement died down.

He felt cleansed, lighter. Buoyant.

He always said that he felt better after crying, but no cry had given him the same level contentment that he felt now.

JJ looked lighter too. His shoulders were no longer hunched. He had a relaxed look in his eyes. The corner of his mouth was curved in a slight smile.

JJ sucked in a deep breath, trying to temper the chuckles coming forth. “You’re going to think I’m crazy,” he chuckled, “but up until now, I had this weird notion that you were some sort of unreachable badass.”

Yuuri startled as he let out a quiet gasp. “Me... Are you serious?” Yuuri said unbelievingly. “I’ve been told by several people that I’m not even capable of hurting a fly!”

JJ let out a guffaw. “Yeah, I can see why they said that now!”

Yuuri’s smile grew, so much that it started crinkling his eyes.

JJ continued. “You have so many years of experience on me, and the artistry that you evoke is amazing…” JJ shrugged. “I don’t know… I guess I always saw you as this quiet yet frightening competitor.”

Yuuri stared at him. A small flush spread across JJ’s cheeks after his confession as he fiddled with his fingers. This small gesture of nervousness combined with his admission sparked a small and startling warmth that curled in Yuuri’s stomach.

“Well… turns out we both had the wrong impressions of each other didn’t we?” Yuuri said softly, frowning a bit as he remembered the previous night.

Yuuri sighed. “I’m sorry we all blew you off like that at the restaurant. It wasn’t right of us. We really should have invited you to come.” he said, eyes wide and imploring after giving JJ an aborted half bow.

JJ’s eyes shone. “And I’m sorry for barging in on you and Viktor’s big moment like that. Sometimes it’s really hard for me to control my impulses.”

Yuuri smiled and stood up, offering a hand to JJ. He considered it for a brief second, then clasped it with a surprising strength. Standing up now, he straightened his clothes and sniffed, taking out two tissues and offering one to Yuuri.

“I always keep these on hand during competitions,” he said, as a means of explanation. “You never know when you’ll need it.” He winked, pressing the tissue into his hand.

Yuuri clasped one and dabbed at his eyes, then blew his nose together with JJ.

What a strange moment indeed.

“Ready to go out and face the press?” Yuuri questioned, eyeing him out of the corner of his eye as they strode down the hall.

The sound of the crowd grew louder as they walked. Voices grew more distinct.

JJ scoffed. “Please, I was born ready!” he declared confidently, already in high spirits again as they ventured down the hall.

Just before they reached the lobby, though, JJ turned in front of Yuuri abruptly and placed a hand on his shoulder. He had a soft look in his eyes.

“Thank you Katsu –

“Yuuri” he cut in. “Call me Yuuri.”

JJ paused, a slow smile inching across his face. It was a good look on him, Yuuri thought – much more genuine than the one he put on for the public.

“Yuuri then.”

JJ clasped his hand momentarily, then turned around to face the crowd in the lobby, head held high as he strutted away. In the distance, Yuuri heard his boisterous laugh as the press swarmed him and a loud “It’s JJ style” echo through the hall. Yuuri wasn’t quite sure, but to him it sounded a bit more spirited than previous times.

Yuuri ventured out into the lobby himself and was immediately swarmed by press. Across the crowd, JJ and he locked eyes momentarily as a quick moment of understanding passed between the two. Yuuri let a half smile reach his eyes, then returned to the press with renewed vigor and a cleared head. He felt at peace with his decision of retirement now. As soon as he got Viktor alone in the hotel room, he’d let it out, for this was a dread that he had been carrying for far too long.

Yuuri, for once, felt confident going into his skate tomorrow. If someone like JJ, who for all intents and purposes seemed like one of the most confident people in the world, struggled with the same insecurities, then Yuuri could surely muster the confidence and courage for his last competitive skate.

And oh, would it be a skate to remember. Yuuri would make sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Yuuri seemed extremely level headed during "the talk" with Viktor as well as going into his "last skate", so I thought it could be fitting to have his sudden return in confidence stem from an off-screen interaction with JJ, as unlikely as that may seem, but really after seeing a glimpse of JJ's own anxiety, I found this a fitting way to give both characters the little confidence booster they needed. 
> 
> After all, it's hard to understand someone's illness if you've never experienced it yourself. Sometimes true healing comes from the shared experiences of others.


End file.
